The Gift of Disaster
by InzanityFirez
Summary: The Almighty Tallest reveal the truth about their opinion of Zim, thereby stripping him of his Irken identity. Zim is ready to sink into despair until Dib offers him a new mission. And new and old threats to the Earth offer him a chance to show the universe just what the all-powerful Invader Zim can do.
1. A Doomed Revelation

**I am obsessed with Invader Zim. So I had to write some fanfiction, especially now that I've watched every episode and am sorely vexed that there's no more. ;-; I approve of ZADR. I don't write sex scenes and graphic-ness of that nature. Fair warning. Now. ONTO THE STORY! ZIM COMMANDS IT! OBEY THE FIST! XD ~ **

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"And that was how the Trojan Horse defeated the Aztecs."

A hand shot up into the air and Ms. Bitters sighed. "Yes, Dib?"

"But Ms. Bitters...the Trojan Horse was used against the Greeks, the Aztecs were a completely different-" A sudden hissing noise from his teacher caused Dib to slink into his seat and fall silent.

"Ms. Bitters! Excuse me, Ms. Bitters!" An eager hand waved and Ms. Bitter's dark look went unnoticed. "So, this _Trojan Horse_, it seemed perfectly normal on the outside but inside contained a deadly force of destruction!" Zim waved an excited fist before he settled again. "Is that correct?"

"I suppose."

"Fascinating." Zim replied with a growing smirk as he considered the possibilities of such a device. Rudimentary, albeit, but no less ingenious.

Dib glared at his nemesis and Zim smirked back openly, but he didn't have time to comment before the school bell rang and class was dismissed. A contentedly humming Zim began to leave but Dib caught him by the door.

"Don't think I don't know what you're planning, Zim! I know what you're up to!"

"No you don't."

"Yes I do!"

"No you don't."

"Yes I do! You're going to try to make your own Trojan Horse!"

"No! Haha! Stupid human-Dib! There will not be horses involved in my surprise weapon-wait-I mean...there will be no surprise weapon, that is totally irrelevant to my plans!"

Dib crossed his arms with a satisfied smirk. "Uh huh. Sure."

Zim ground his teeth as he replied. "Silence, filth! Zim does not have time to deal with your gargantuan big-headed...ness!" With a fierce glare, Zim stormed out of the class as Dib's smirk faded and he mentally sorted out his own plans in his head. Whatever Zim was planning, Dib was going to stop it.

...

"So you see, Gir! Using the 'Trojan Piggy' filled with an army of mutated weasels, we will destroy the filthy humans right under their filthy human noses! It's brilliant!"

"Whee! I likes weasels! And tacos! And biscuits! Ooh, biscuits!"

Zim glowered. "Gir...how many times have I told you? You are not to speak of biscuits! Focus!"

Gir sniffed as his metallic shoulders slumped. "But I like biscuits..."

"The biscuits will never like you in return! They are dough-beasts! Enough of this nonsense, we have work to do! I will call The Tallest at once and inform them of my most diabolical scheme yet!" Zim began to laugh maniacally and after watching his master cluelessly, Gir began laughing hysterically beside him.

...

-Somewhere in Quadrant XX0051...-

"So...So...So I...So I said...So I said to the...I said to...I said...so...hahaha!" Purple Tallest burst out into laughter and gulped down more of his intoxicating beverage as Red Tallest grinned and clinked his cup against Purple's.

"Thish is the good life..." The pair erupted into giggles before an alert from the monitor caught their attention.

Purple squinted before he groaned. "Zit's Sim...sits im...is tim..."

"It's _Zim_." Red corrected, ever the more logical of the two even when drunk.

"Maybe if...we don't ans...ans...answer!"

Red shook his head. "You remember what happened last time?"

_"Hey, look! Zim's calling. Just ignore it and he'll go away." Purple announced._

_-Twelve hours later, Red and Purple are looking extremely annoyed-_

"Just answer it.." Red muttered, and the computer obediently patched the call through.

Red and Purple shuddered in unison before they hid their drinks and arranged themselves in casual sitting positions as they answered.

"My Taaaaaallllest!" The pair winced.

"Yes, Z-Z-Zim...?" Purple fumbled for the words and swallowed hard. "Whatizit?"

Zim blinked. "Whatizit?"

"Yes! Whatizit!"

"Ah...I'm afraid I don't-"

Red interjected in annoyance. "What are you calling for, Zim?"

Zim's expression brightened. "Of course! I have concocted another brilliant plan, but this is even more brilliant than my last! You see, I'm going to-"

Purple edged closer to Red to whisper as Zim went on excitedly about his plan. "I'm seeing two Zims. I'm scared."

"-And then the humans-"

Red patted his brother's shoulder sympathetically. "You're just drunk, there's only one. If there were two..." he trailed off with another mutual shudder.

"-So using this _Trojan Piggy_-"

"Wait...did he just say something about a pig?" Red squinted at the screen.

"I don't like pigs. They shcare me. Share. Chair. Schare. Scare!" Purple seemed satisfied, and at his loud interjection, Zim paused.

"My Tallest...are you...well?" As the Irken examined the pair, he decided that they looked a little...less than green as usual, and their bodies seemed to sag against their seats. Could it be that they were ill? Concern filled him and he was ready to offer his services. "If you are unwell, I could personally come and attend to you-"

"NO!" Purple all but shrieked and even Red looked mildly alarmed. "You just...you stay...stay put Zim. Far away. That's good. There's a good little monster."

Zim's expression became confused and Red hurriedly added.

"You're doing an excellent job where you're at, we're perfectly fine, Zim. Your concern is duly noted and appreciated."

"If you're sure..." Zim began hesitantly.

"Stay away! The hor...hor...horure...horror! Bad enough you didn't get exploded on your trip the first time...just stay there!"

"Exploded?" Zim repeated.

Red's alarm increased and he made to cover a hand over his brother's mouth, but the damage was done, Purple had a tendency to be easily excitable when not sober and he was all too eager to rant about the Zim-menace.

"YES! You were s'posed to go BOOM when we sent you out! You weren't s'posed to find a real planet! Why won't you just die already?" Purple began to sob and Red hastily clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Ah...I believe he might be feeling a little under the weather after all, Zim...why don't you just call back another-"

Purple shoved the hand away, and while he was drunk enough to rant, his words grew more coherent. "I still have nightmares from you! And yet even though we gave you the SIR-unit from the _trash_ you're still alive! Why? WHY?"

"I...I don't understand.."

Purple rose to glare at the screen. "You're a joke, Zim! You're not an Invader! You just won't die and you're too stupided to get it! We sent you to Earth to _get rid of you_."

"That...can't be...you're unwell.."

"I'm _drunk_, not _sick_. And you're supposed to be dead!" he screeched before he suddenly had a peaceful look on his face as he passed out suddenly onto the chair.

An awkward silence descended before Zim's confused eyes turned towards Red. "My Tallest..."

Red rubbed the back of his neck before he sighed. "Look, Zim...you're just...defective, y'know? We were trying to do the nice thing and destroy you before you found out how much we despise you, but..."

Zim's face scrunched up a moment before he chuckled weakly. "My Tallest...this joke is...very..."

Red shook his head. "You just don't get it...look, Zim. Now that you know the truth, I'll come out and say it...your mission is a joke. You're a joke. You're not an Invader and honestly, you'd be destroyed by now if you didn't have such dumb luck. So...you just...I don't know...don't call us again?"

"But-"

"Goodbye, Zim." Red cut the transmission and left Zim to stare desolately at the screen before him.

Surely it was some kind of trick...some kind of test...The Tallest hadn't really wanted him..._dead_, had they?

Memories flooded back to him, memories of their surprise the first time he'd called them after setting up base on Earth. Their attempt to have him stand the Trial. The lack of willingness to visit or send proper weaponry. His so-obviously-defective SIR-unit. The fact that they'd banished him to Food Courtia, and never bothered to give him back his rightful Invader status.

"They really...despise me?" Zim continued to stare at the screen even when Gir, who had managed amazingly to stay silent until then, patted his leg.

"There, there, Master...I love you!"

Zim didn't respond but merely continued to stare blankly at the screen as everything fell into place. His life was a lie, his mission was a lie, his very existence...all lies. And if he was not an Irken Invader, if his Tallest truly despised him, then what was he? Where did he belong when he lacked the sole purpose for his creation?

What was Zim to do now...?

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**For some reason I kept being tempted to write it like an episode transcript, maybe from having read the unaired ones earlier? It was fun though! Till the end. Then I was sad, sad for poor Zim who finally had to get it because the story needs to progress. OBEY THE PROGRESS! XD I took a bit of liberty with The Tallest getting drunk. Ah well. XD Enjoy! Written hugs brighten my soul, by the way! XD~Witchy~ **


	2. Crack in the Heart Space

**I'm quite happy that this was well-received. Thank you for your reviews, hugs, excitement, and the correction of my grammatical error. They do happen, sadly. ;-; Just don't tell Zim! I have all sorts of ideas for this story, I'm rather excited about that. XD Well, enjoy! ~ **

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Dib had been careful the night prior to anaylze the most likely possibilities for what Zim would attempt to do. He'd garnered that Zim would make something other than a horse, that it would probably be filled with some ridiculously mutated-something-or-other, and that he'd target a crowded area or use a holiday as a cover. Confident he would be ready to burst Zim's bubble [and scrounge some more information out of the alien], he entered class with a smirk right up until the final morning bell rang and Zim was nowhere to be seen. Zim was always prompt, and any time that he was not tended to mean that he was up to something. Surely Zim wasn't going to try the Trojan-horse trick _already_?

Nah, it was too soon, out-of-character with Zim's usual planning. He'd wait and see what Zim was _really_ up to.

Two absences later, the Friday bell chimed the end of the school week and Dib was out the door before the last chime sounded. He was going to go investigate Zim's house, and would have done so sooner were it not for the fact that Gaz had had a rare cold and his father insisted that he be there to support her. Or rather, wait on her hand and foot as she saw it. Dib grimaced at the thought as he raced to Zim's house, the odd, ridiculous-house that no one else seemed to understand was so clearly alien. Even the gnomes were creepy.

Dib peered up from behind the bushes, but nothing seemed particularly out of the ordinary. The house had no new appendages, news crews, loud noises, or insanity from the little dog-robot, and in fact...it was almost eerily silent. Did he dare hope that something awful had happened to Zim? "But if something bad happened to him, then I couldn't catch him for Mysterious Mysteries...I guess that would be a problem...I'd need his body at least...so then if I-" he became aware of a slurping sound behind him and found a child watching him while eating an ice cream cone, and Dib jerked upwards.

"Ah...I wasn't talking to someone. Just myself. I mean, well, thinking out loud. I do that sometimes...I'm not crazy." he added. The child stared up at him blankly before she turned and skipped off, and he sighed in relief. "Gotta stop doing tha-ack! I'm doing it again!" he mentally berated himself as he made the decision to approach the door. At worst, he'd be physically kicked off the property, at best, something horrible had happened to Zim that would result in him getting a hold of the alien. After a hesitant moment, he knocked.

The door opened a few seconds later to reveal Gir dressed in his dog-garb. He emitted a pleased sound at the sight of Dib before he seemed to sober uncharacteristically. "My master can't play today, he's sick. Sorry!" Gir started to close the door and a surprised Dib blocked it with his foot.

"W-wait, he's sick? Can aliens get sick? What's wrong with him?"

"Mmm. I...don't know!" Gir announced.

"You just said that he was sick..."

"I like tacos." Gir supplied helpfully and Dib fought a groan. The little robot had more than a few screws loose.

"Well...can I see him?"

Gir seemed to think about it for a moment then shrugged. "Okay!" he stepped back to allow Dib inside and the boy peered around a moment before he caught sight of a of familiar blot of green and pink huddled up on the couch. "Zim?"

Zim didn't move, or give any indication that he'd heard. He wasn't wearing his disguise and he simply stared ahead at a wall devoid of expression. Dib wasn't sure of whether or not he was breathing, and actually, he'd never noted that before so he wasn't sure if the lack of a rising and falling chest at the moment was something to worry about.

"Uh...Zim?" Dib didn't receive an answer and he glanced cautiously at the happily humming robot beside him. "How long has he been like that?"

Gir announced cheerfully. "A looooong time!"

Dib sighed to himself as he tried again. "Did something happen before he...got like that?"

"Mmm...just some stuff." Gir shrugged as he began to spin in a little circle and hum.

"What kinda stuff?"

Gir, while continuing to spin, replied. "Well, ya see, The Tallest said they really hated my Master and wanted him to go BOOM! And they don't wanna talk to him no mores and said he was just a biiiiiiiig joke! That's why they sent him faaaaaaaaaaar away." Gir announced, and he seemed morose for a split second before he began humming happily again.

Dib's eyes widened slightly. "The Tallest? They said all that?" Gir nodded without missing a spin and Dib looked back at Zim in surprise. Sure, Zim was annoying, destructive, and his plans usually ended in horrible failure but...he hadn't realized Zim was considered _that_ big of a failure. And considering The Tallest were the only beings he'd ever seen Zim truly seem to care for, well, it made sense that the alien was more than a little depressed. If Zim weren't his mortal enemy and bent on destroying his planet, he might feel sorry for the other. "So he's...banished?"

"I don't know!" came the chipper reply from Gir who suddenly announced. "I want a sammich!" and darted off to the kitchen, seemingly unconcerned about letting Zim's nemesis roam free in the base yet again.

Silence descended in the living room for a moment as Dim regarded Zim before he padded over and stood in the alien's line of view. He adopted a smirk and crossed his arms. "Wow, you really messed up this time, huh?" Zim didn't move, blink, or give any indication that he was even alive-let alone that he had heard. "Zim...hello? Earth to Zim?" There was no response and Dib frowned before he leaned forward and flicked Zim's forehead. "Hey, are you-"

One of the arms from the PAK shot out and jabbed Dib in the chest, causing him to fall none too gently backwards onto his rear. "Z-Zim?"

The alien's eyes had narrowed and gazed down at Dib coolly. "Leave. Now." The words were low and Dib swallowed hard before he stood up.

"Ooh, I'm so scared." Dib tried a bit of a levity in the form of a taunt, but if anything, Zim practically seemed to radiate a chilling aura. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on." he tried next, even though he knew the house could kick him out at it's leisure.

Zim stared at Dib a moment before he spoke in the same low tones. "Gir informed you of the situation-which is none of your business by the way, you filthy human. Your planet is safe from my wrath, are you satisfied? Now _leave_." He surmised that Dib had already realized that Zim was not an official Invader in lieu of the situation, and supposed that whether or not Zim was still going to attempt to conquer Earth was what troubled him.

Dib took a moment to process those words before a particular phrase caught his attention. "Planet is safe...what does that mean?"

The look Zim shot him was one of pure annoyance and it was the most emotion he'd seen on the alien's face since he'd been let in. "That _means_, you _annoying little pig-smelly,_ that I no longer have a need to conquer your filthy, pathetic planet."

Dib was dumbfounded. "Why not?"

Clearly Zim had overestimated the stupid-Dib's intellect. But before he could give him a scathing reply, Dib had already continued.

"I mean...even if The Tallest hate you or whatever, you're just giving up?" Dib wasn't trying to coax the other back into invading or anything, he was simply taken aback. Zim may have been a failure, but that Dib had seen, he was ruthlessly determined and the other's sudden subdued stance caught him by surprise.

Zim's fingers dragged across the couch as he fixed Dib with a menacing look. "If The Tallest have no need of me, then they have no need for this planet. And if I destroy this planet, then I-" _have no where else to go_. "-will be bored."

Dib's brow furrowed. "Won't you be bored not destroying it?"

"Yes-no-silence!"

Dib's eyes narrowed as he considered all the information he'd gathered and pointed an accusatory finger at the other. "I don't believe you. I think this is all an act. Let me guess, this is your version of the 'Trojan Horse', right? You get me to let my guard down and then try some stupid plan? Well, not on my watch, Zim!" he crossed his arms again and gazed at Zim with renewed satisfaction, certain of his conviction. "I can't believe you thought that I'd fall for that. I think your PAK must be going defective." he snorted as he tried out the new jibe.

_"You're just...defective, y'know?"_

Zim's pink eyes narrowed into slits and in a swift movement, his PAK legs had extended to keep him aloft while one was used to ram Dib into the ground and pin him there. Zim lowered himself till he was face-to-face with the again wide-eyed Dib. "I don't care what you think, _worm_. I have no reason to conquer your vile planet any longer. So you will get out of my base and leave me be, or I will rip your filthy human lungs out." he hissed before he flung Dib towards the door.

Dib scrambled up, more than a little afraid if he were being honest. Zim looked so young and often acted so...childishly, that it was hard for Dib to remember that in reality, Zim was a ruthless alien...psychopath. Still, to hear Zim speaking so...bluntly, all chill and none of his usual fire and vigor, it was disconcerting. And it confirmed something he'd been prepared to dismiss as a trick: Zim really had been cut off. "Zim-" Dib was certain that it wasn't pity rising in his stomach, but he felt compelled to say _something_.

Zim apparently didn't care to hear it though, because a sharp command from Zim resulted in a robotic arm hurling Dib out the door.

"Ow!" Dib winced as he rose and rubbed his now thrice offended rear-end and then gazed back at the base behind him. Something he said had set Zim off in particular, was insulting an Irken's PAK considered a grave insult? Or was it something else? And furthermore, could he really trust Zim's sudden decision to back off the Invasion, regardless of whether or not he was in favor with The Tallest?

_"I will rip your filthy human lungs out."_

No. Zim hadn't been acting, he was certain of it. Even if the anger was bravado [and he wasn't entirely certain that it was-which was more than a little unnerving], he just...he was too off. Zim wasn't capable of that kind of performance. Which meant, inevitably, that the situation was real and regardless of being banished or not, Zim was _vulnerable_. Dib wasn't sure there was anything resembling a heart within Zim to reach, but there had to be something for him to be so upset. After all, his entire world and reason for existence had been ripped out from under him, that was a pretty big deal. So if he could find a way to manipulate that and get Zim to trust him...he could have easy access to Zim's Irken insight. And then it would be no problem to set Zim up for an easy capture. Two birds with one stone, he'd have superior knowledge and possession of the alien that would vindicate his years of torment and humiliation.

Images of fame, idol-worship, his own episode on Mysterious Mysteries, and the proud faces of his father and sister ran through his mind. Dib Membrane would be mocked no longer! "He's clearly broken up...all I have to do is figure out how to use it against him. Before he knows what's happening, he'll be on a dissection table and I'll be in the history books! Aha! This is so good...wait until I tell Gaz..." he rubbed his hands together gleefully, only to fall short as he caught the little girl from earlier staring at him. Dib coughed and after an awkward moment, he turned and quickly headed off towards his house. Once he'd gone a sufficient distance, he let his glee return as excitement at his impending success filled him.

_Oh, Zim, you are so mine!  
_

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**Now see, if someone started this story from the bottom, they'd be like...WTF? XD Zim's heartbroken and utterly destroyed in his own way, he doesn't know how to cope with these unfamiliar feelings of wretched, empty, uselessness...or something. His visions of grandeur have been stolen away. And meanwhile, Dib's being an evil little fellow. XD I loved the thought of Zim going all super-scary for a moment though, like in the Halloween episode. Bwaha. Oh, the eye-twitching, bwaha. I digress. Now comes the task of how Dib is going to win-manipulate Zim over. And will Gir ever get his biscuits? Dun dun dun! Written hugs, anyone? -insert big ole Gir puppy eyes here- XD~Witchy~ **


	3. A Convergence of Plans

**Holmes and Kitten are officially my loyal viewers, bwaha! And Mikayla agreed with my sadness and Spooches gave me a hug. Oh, the hug. XD Thanks for the reviews and such, they make me happy and inspire me to write and whatnot. I tried to fix the grammatical error but I couldn't find it this time, Holmes. x_X -must needs review carefully- Annnnd...let the fun begin!  
**

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"And once I've learned everything I need to, I'll be able to set Zim up for capture no problem!" Dib finished retelling his exciting revelations and he stared at Gaz expectantly. His sister, to her credit, didn't outright insult him but her snub was obvious as she ignored him. "Uh...Gaz?"

"Quiet, Dib, I'm at the last part of the level." Gaz muttered.

"I'm on the verge of one of the most important landmarks in the history of the world, and you're worried about a _game_?" Despite the fact that it was always the same with her, he always had to express his outrage at that fact.

Gaz snorted and didn't miss a beat as she kept her eyes trained on the game. "No one's going to believe you. As usual."

"Not this time, Gaz! I'll lead Zim right into a trap and he won't even see it coming! He'll think we're _friends_." Dib laughed at the very idea.

"Uh huh. That'll happen." Gaz' tone was practically an eye-roll in itself.

"It will! My plan is fail-proof!" Dib insisted. "Or at least...it will be when I think of it." he grimaced. "Do you think-"

"Leave me alone, Dib, or I will make you wish you'd never been born." Gaz' tone was icy and Dib could see that he'd reached her limit of patience. All things considered, she'd been more tolerant than usual and he considered that progress on their path to affectionate sibling-hood.

Dib made his way to his bedroom as he began to plot and plan the possible avenues for manipulating the Irken Invader [or former invader, rather] into friendship. The fact that Zim considered humans to be little better than worms didn't exactly help matters, nor did their history of antagonistic rivalry but still...that had to also _mean_ something. The fact that they hated each other so much was almost a bond of sorts. Sort of.

"What to do, what to do..." From the other room, he could hear the familiar sounds of his father greeting Gaz and after a moment's thought, he didn't see any harm in asking his father. Dib bounded out to find Professor Membrane making a quick cup of coffee. "Hey, Dad!"

"Hello, son!" Professor Membrane's voice boomed in the kitchen as he smiled and gave his son's shoulder an affectionate pat. "Have you done any real science today?"

Dib fought a wince at the question as he hedged. "Well...you could say that. I do have a question for you..."

"Fire away, son! I have a whole five minutes until I'm needed down in the lab." Professor Membrane offered generously.

Dib hesitated and then forged ahead. "Let's say I was trying to make friends with someone who...kinda hates my guts. How would you do that?"

Professor Membrane considered the question a moment before he replied. "Well, you could use a Personality Modulator Device to turn all of that hatred into a compulsive and positive desire for a lasting friendship. But, unfortunately, manipulating people into feeling what you want them to feel is considered immoral...so failing that, gifts are always an excellent approach."

"Gifts?"

"Sure! It causes the person to feel psychologically indebted to you, physically receptive towards you, and emotionally positive. Three cornerstones of the human condition. Just give the person who 'hates your guts' a thoughtful gift and you'll see. The idea that you can't buy love is egotistical." Professor Membrane explained and Dib nodded thoughtfully as he considered that.

"That...actually makes sense. Thanks, Dad!"

"No problem, son! That's what my five minutes are for, to make sure that my son and daughter are well taken care of! Speaking of which, excellent job taking care of your sister in her time of illness!"

"No worry, Dad, it-"

An alarm beeped and Professor Membrane quickly downed his drink and patted Dib's head. "My five minutes is up, but this was a great talk, son! Remember, a well-thought out gift goes a long way!" And with that, the professor headed out and left Dib to his own devices.

"A well thought out gift, huh?" He could do that...but what could he get the alien that wouldn't kill him, insult him, or get him laughed at?

Dib glanced out the window and noted grey clouds gathering in the sky, and he stared at them in contemplation before an idea struck him. A crazy, simple, _brilliant_ idea. What better to give the invader than something that he'd never experienced before?

Dib raced to his room and began digging through his closet eagerly. If he recalled correctly, there would be a sizable storm on it's way preceded by a smaller rain shower. Obviously playing in the rain was hideously out of question since Zim would be burned into oblivion if he got wet, but there was a rain-related phenomena that he was certain would intrigue the Irken. And in the meantime, Zim could cool off from their little disagreement earlier. The perfect plan, a stepping-stone and starting point for his future as a ground-breaking leader in the paranormal studies and in extraterrestrial science. Forget an episode of Mysterious Mysteries, he could have his own show!

"I am so good." he muttered as he pulled out the object of his searching and quickly headed to his computer to make the appropriate plans.

...

As Dib left the area surrounding his base, Zim slunk back to his chosen spot on the couch and let himself sag against it again. It was not in his nature to be morose, subdued, or otherwise inert...but the nagging emptiness inside of him was not to be ignored. Irkens were created to fulfill a purpose and to serve their Tallest. Zim had not only failed at his purpose, he'd been stripped of it and given a new purpose which he had then failed at as well [well-intentionedly, of course], and he had earned the apparent hatred of his _Tallest_. The beings whom, above all else, he should have pleased the most. Zim had long ago decided that if his dreams of being Tallest were not going to come true, then he would at the very least proof his worth as the greatest Invader in the history of Invaders.

And now he had...nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Gir reentered then carrying a plate of misshapen sandwiches filled with contents that Zim wouldn't have dared to dwell on even if he were in a dwelling mood, which he most certainly was not.

"Sammiches! Want one, Master! They're really good! They gots lots of peanut butters and jellies and cheese and the little fish in the can! And chocolate! Don't have no tacos though." Gir gave a mournful sniff before he offered the tray out helpfully.

Zim didn't bother to glance at his subordinate as he muttered. "No, Gir."

"But they'll make you sooooo haaaaaappppyyy!" Gir chimed.

"No sandwiches could ease the painful pain that pains me."

"Awww...you gots pain and the sammich won't fix it? Bad sammich!" Gir chastised the lifeless, gooey messes on the tray. "I'll teach you!" he began eating the sandwiches rapidly and when he was finished, he announced triumphantly. "That's what happens to bad sammiches." he noted that Zim wasn't looking at him and he slumped a bit. "Why you so sad, Master?"

Zim sighed. "You know why, Gir. I am despised! A wretched outcast! Banished like a mongrel _schlotsporter_!" he clenched his claws and reached them upwards despairingly. "I have no mission! No Tallest to serve! Zim has nothing!"

Gir tilted his head and puckered his metallic lips sadly before he hopped up beside Zim and gave him a small hug. "Master has me!" Gir chimed. "You're still my favorite Master ever!"

Zim fought the urge to sigh as he reluctantly patted Gir's head. "Zim is your only master, Gir." he pointed out. _And the only one foolish enough to tolerate you._ Zim kept that thought to himself.

"I knowwwww! And you're my favorite anyway!" Gir said, as though it were perfectly logical and something for Zim to be quite proud of. Gir certainly seemed pleased with himself as he stared up at Zim with as bright an expression as a robot could muster.

Zim eyed the little robot a moment, the trusting, naive, obnoxious robot so full of the _love-filth_ that was so foreign to everything an Invader stood for. The urge to strike out against this epitome of _un-Irkenness _filled him, because even though Gir was apparently all that he had, Gir was also a poor connection to the life he desired. He was Zim's own personal mockery, a defective-SIR unit that The Tallest had hoped would assist in Zim's downfall. On the other hand, Gir had always been loyal, and he had treated Zim in a way that admittedly, no other had before him. He accepted Zim as he was, and while an Invader _needed_ no one, that did not make it entirely unpleasing to have. But before he could decide whether or not he would give into the urge to lash out, Gir had already happily bounced away and with his usual lack of attention span, started to occupy himself elsewhere.

Which left Zim to return to his decidedly morbid and depressing thoughts, and all of those once-proud memories that he'd been forced to review in a new light.

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**I know, short and lacking in action. But it seemed like such a good stopping point and I want to get what comes next into one chapter. I think. Ah, heck, I'll throw in some angsty-Zim right now to make up for it. XD Hopefully the lack of action was made up for by some humorous dialogue. And for Kitten who keeps mentioning the Tallest, don't worry, they're not gone for good. XD Zim still has eons of torturing them silly left in him, bwahaha. XD -edit- YES! Zim's part made it longer, bwahaha, and added some more humor and angst and insight and was hopefully reasonable within the confines of Zim's whole world crumbling down around him. And Dib's plan is gonna be dorky and we'll see what happens. XD ~Witchy~ **


	4. Rainbows and Lasers

**Nothing makes a long work day...less long, than my phone email vibrating with reviews. XD Although, then it makes me really want to get home and write which maybe has the opposite effect on my day...I digress! While on the subject, I work a 12 1/2 hour shift Sun-Every other Wed, and a 9-hour shift Thurs-Every other Sat. Unless I take overtime, I have either a Wed or Sat off each week. And intermittent karate classes. And college soon, hopefully. I'll squeeze in writing when I can. XD The shorter work days help, bwaha. I digress, back to the story! Oh, and thank you for the reviews, support, enjoyment, hugs, and the like! They really do brighten my existence! And Holmes, I would happily check out your stuff but I'm thinking FF ate your link cause all I see is '.com'. ;-; **

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_Overcast skies...check. On schedule...check. Route planned out...check. Umbrella...check! _ Dib grinned, delighted by his own planning as he all but skipped towards Zim's house. He wasn't sure _exactly_ how Zim would react, but he felt reasonably prepared for all avenues of outcomes. And sure, maybe it wasn't the absolute best plan that he could have come up with, but hey, all roads lead to Rome and all that. Dib had his own 'Trojan Horse' in store.

Dib braced himself as he found himself at Zim's door before long and he fought to keep his grin down as he knocked.

And knocked.

And knocked.

Dib frowned. "Must not be home...I guess?" He hadn't noted any unusual activity and hadn't considered any reason that he might be gone, but nothing was fully predictable he supposed.

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Trying to figure out if Zim's home." Dib muttered absently.

"He is!"

"Oh, really? Thanks-hey-wait!" Dib whirled around as the conversation caught up with him and he found himself facing a chipper-Gir with arms full of greasy snacks. Gir shot him a bright, robotic smile as he side-stepped Dib as he managed to open the door and step in. The door was nearly shut when Dib stepped forward. "Say, Gir, you think I could come in again?" he queried with what he hoped was an affable expression.

Gir considered that a moment before a sharp voice came from behind Gir. "Do _not_ allow him entry, Gir!"

Gir's eyes flashed red a moment. "Entry denied." he started to close the door when Dib added hastily.

"Please? With...ice cream sundaes on top?"

"SUNDAES! I lurrrrve sundaes! Come on in!" Gir squealed as he flung open the door and bounced about happily before he darted to the kitchen, apparently to acquire some sundae-goodness.

"_GIR!_" Zim's outraged voice came from inside and as Dib stepped in, he found the alien standing beside the couch rather than sitting on it and the pink-eyes were locked in a glare. Zim lifted up onto his PAK-legs and advanced towards the other as he spoke lowly. "Dib-filth, you-"

"Wait! Hear me out!" Dib took a few steps back as he held up his hands in surrender and Zim's eyes narrowed although he paused. He wasn't sure whether to consider it a step in the right direction that Zim was more cognizant and less mopey this time, since Zim seemed more angry than anything. "I-uh-brought you something!" he held out the umbrella.

Zim blinked and his brow crinkled a bit as if in confusion before his eyes again settled on Dib in a glare. "Your filthy-Earth device is not wanted." he had seen similar devices with the Skool children, but they hadn't appeared to be weapons so he hadn't much cared to look into then. And then suspicion settled in. "Why are you bringing Zim..._things_?"

Dib could feel his well-laid plans crumbling around him, but he _had_ anticipated the possibility of a negative reception so he was hardly surprised. "It's an umbrella. It keeps the rain off of you, see?" he let the umbrella open and let it rest over his head.

Zim seemed startled as the umbrella shot open and he eyed it warily before he crossed his arms and glared down from his risen position on the PAK-legs. "I have no use for your stupid _umbrella_, stupid-Dib-human."

"But-"

"LIES!" Zim shouted as he darted forwardly suddenly and braced a leg in the air in the positiion to strike Dib, and it seemed more ready to run Dib through than to push him down this time. "Explain your true purpose!" he demanded.

Dib stammered. "I-that is-we-Ithinkweshouldbefriends." The last bit came out in a rush, but from the stunned expression frozen on Zim's face, he could tell that it was heard loud and clear.

"Excuse me?" Zim's arm was frozen threateningly, but the invader himself seemed aghast.

"Uh...it's tradition...yeah, tradition! When you defeat your greatest enemy...you're supposed to become friends."

Zim's eyes narrowed again. "You didn't d_efeat_ me, Dib." he growled.

"You surrended." Dib pointed out. "Same thing."

Zim opened his mouth to object but he must have thought it through in his head because his eyes widened slightly in realization. And then he huffed as he returned to glaring, although he was unwilling to admit outright to the 'surrender' bit. "Zim cares nothing for your filthy human traditions! And Irkens do _not_ have _friends_!" he said the last word like it was something distasteful.

"Then what's Gir?"

Zim seemed again surprised but he didn't miss a beat as he replied haughtily. "Gir is a servant, you big-headed pig-smelly."

"My head is not big!" Dib protested automatically before he crossed his arms and did his best to look...not afraid. "Come on, Zim. You can't hate me _that_ much." Zim lowered one of his PAK-legs towards Dib a bit as his eyes narrowed again, and Dib swallowed hard. "Okay...maybe you can...but you don't wanna be a sore loser do you?" Dib quickly realized that was the wrong phrasing as soon as he saw Zim flare up and slam a PAK-leg towards him.

Dib barely managed to roll aside as the leg found purchase in the wall, and as Zim jerked it free with a scowl, Dib again lifted his hands in a gesture of surrender. "What I meant to say is..." he opened and closed his mouth a moment as he realized that he didn't have something better planned at the moment.

"I am going to enjoy removing your lungs, stink-boy." Zim moved towards Dib again, only to stop with a roll of his eyes as Dib shouted-

"-Wait!"

"Oh, what is it _now_?" Zim demanded, annoyed.

"I have something to show you! I was going to take you as our first...act of friendship! It's really cool!" he baited the other.

Zim frowned. "What does Zim care for things that possess a low temperature?"

"No!" Dib smacked a hand on his forehead. "Cool is...amazing, yeah, really amazing!"

Zim's curiosity and suspicion got the better of him. "What is it?"

Dib shook his head. "Uh uh, not unless you agree to be friends...and not rip my lungs out." he added with a wince.

"Zim will make no such agreements, _human_! You will tell me now!"

"Nope. Friends only." Dib announced as he crossed his arms and again attempted to look calm and collected.

Zim gritted his teeth slightly before he shrugged. "Fine. I'll just rip your lungs out anyway, that will be far more _cool_ than whatever ridiculous thing you spoke of."

Dib back-pedaled. "Okay, okay, I see your point. How about this. I'll show you what it is, and if you think I haven't completely wasted your time, you'll be friends with me."

"You are _already_ wasting my time!"

"Oh, come on, like you have anything better to do while you're moping on the couch." Dib retorted before he could stop himself.

"Zim does not mope!" The Irken protested vehemently. "I have much to do!"

"Like what?"

"Like...stuff!"

Dib lifted a brow and Zim squirmed a bit from his lifted position. "Silence, human! Do not question Zim!"

Dib made a placating gesture. "You don't have anything to lose, why not just come? Why not be friends? If you're not taking over Earth, we're not enemies anyway." he pointed out.

Zim seemed exasperated as Dib brought the subject up again. "While it _would_ be an _immense_ honor to be a friend of the great Zim...why do you wish to be Zim's friend?" That had troubled the invader, since he couldn't fathom the sudden change in hostility from the Dib-stink.

Dib thought quickly. "Look, Zim.." he forced himself to sigh dramatically and put on a wistful face. "The truth is...I really do think you're...a great invader. And really smart and stuff...so...I'd be really happy if we could be friends now..." He mentally kicked himself, there was no way Zim would buy-

"-I _knew_ it!" Zim crowed. "Of _course_ you wish to be friends with Zim, who would not? I knew that you would admit my superiority sooner or later, Dib-filth! Bwahaha!" Zim retracted his PAK-legs to stand before Dib and regard him with crossed arms and a smirk. "You've done the right thing. I'm still not going to be your friend though." he said as his smirk twisted evilly, and he seemed quite pleased with himself.

Dib wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at Zim's naivety, he supposed he ought to be counting his lucky stars, and he decided to try his luck at an even more juvenile tactic. "I understand...I mean, it's natural to be scared..."

Zim stopped dead. "_Scared_?"

"Well, yeah...being friends with a human, checking out something so cool...it's understandable that you'd be scared..." Dib said innocently.

"Zim fears nothing!" Zim shouted.

"Except this, I know." Dib agreed amiably, and Zim looked outraged as he clenched his claws into fists.

"I have no fear for your filthy _friendship_ or 'coolness'! Take me to this 'cool' thing immediately!"

"I don't know..." Dib pretended to think about it.

Zim pointed an angry finger at Dib. "You will take me!"

Dib 'considered' it before he shrugged. "Okay, fine...here you go." he held out the umbrella to Zim who eyed it mistrustfully before he shoved it into his hands before he moved alongside of Zim and wrapped an arm around his shoulder with a grin. "I wouldn't want you to get burned or anything, _friend_."

Zim seemed uncomfortable and he eyed Dib warily before he shrugged him off and held the umbrella as though it might as well burn him. "Do not use your foolish endearments on me, human-filth. I said I would _look_-nothing more. We are not friends."

"Whatever you say...pal."

Zim bristled and scowled, but he couldn't back out of seeing the thing without seeming a coward and he couldn't harm Dib before the other had shown him the thing. Zim quickly stepped out of Dib's sight and when he returned, he was in his human disguise. "GIR! Remain here and defend the base in my absence!" he called out, and Gir made an affirmative noise from the kitchen.

"Have fun, Master!" there was a shattering sound and Zim fought the urge to sigh.

Zim then marched to the door and as he stepped outside, he cast a less-confident glance skyward to where rain had begun to sprinkle down. He was certain that the Dib-beast was not leading him into a trap, but he still wasn't certain of what the real motive might be. As obvious a reason as it was, he wasn't certain that Dib was entirely truthful about his admittance of Zim's superiority. And truly, he didn't like to go out when all of the wretched water was raining down from the sky...

"Hold it up like this." Dib instructed as he joined Zim by his side, and he lifted the umbrella up over the Irken's head before he pushed him forward away from the safety of the house.

Zim stumbled a bit and caught himself as he shot Dib a dirty look, and then he glanced up in surprise as he realized that he was not wet. The umbrella had indeed protected him from the wretched element...for now.

"This changes nothing between us." Zim warned as he eyed Dib suspiciously.

Dib walked beside Zim, mindless of the rain as he grinned. "Whatever you say."

...

The trip itself was uneventful and filled mostly with silence. The minds of both Zim and Dib were racing, Dib full of plotting and Zim full of suspicion, but before long they'd made it to their intended destination.

"A...park?" Zim stared doubtfully at the jungle-gym equipment before him, and then he made a noise of protest as Dib steered him towards the stairs. He begrudgingly headed to the top and glanced around the park, unimpressed, before he regarded Dib with a glare. He clutched the umbrella like a lifeline despite the fact the sprinkle of rain had ceased. "_This _is your 'cool' and 'amazing' thing?"

Dib shook his head and pointed to something that Zim, bundled beneath his umbrella, hadn't been able to see even if he'd been interested.

A rainbow.

Zim tilted his gaze skyward and as he caught sight of it, his eyes widened a moment before he shrieked. "A trap! You lying...liar!" he accused as he advanced on Dib. "You will rue the day-"

"-Wait!" Dib protested. "It's not a trap, it's just a rainbow, Zim!"

"That is a poor name for a laser, but it matters not! You will pay for-" Dib interrupted again and Zim seemed slightly miffed about that.

"It's not a weapon!" Dib saw the problem at once. "It's just a trick of the light. When it rains, the light catches it in a certain way and it makes those colors. It can't hurt you."

Zim seemed doubtful and he eyed Dib suspiciously before he glanced back at the rainbow. Indeed, it did not seem to be moving or fluctuating, and he had not been burnt to a crisp... "This is what you wished to show me?"

"Well...yeah."

Zim tilted his gaze back to Dib and gave him a blank look. "Why?"

Dib hadn't been expecting that question. "Why? Uh...because...you don't have them on Irk, right?"

"We don't have filthy humans on Irk either." Zim pointed out dryly.

Dib slumped a bit. The rainbow had been his trump-card after all. "I didn't think this one through." he muttered, mostly to himself, but Zim apparently heard because he replied.

"I suppose it is _mildly_ intriguing."

Dib's head jerked up. "Really?

"Mildly." Zim had tilted his gaze away from Dib as he spoke boredly, but even that was a clear concession on the alien's part. "Enough that I won't tear your lungs out, for now...but-" he whirled back around to face Dib. "We are not friends."

"We can try to be though, right?"

"No." Zim said simply.

"Why not?"

Zim's eyes narrowed as his annoyance started to flare again. "Because..." he seemed like he would continue but cut off for lack of an appropriate finishing phrase, and after a moment, Dib lifted a brow.

"Because...?"

"Because!" Zim snapped back.

"That's a terrible reason."

"LIES!" Zim shouted and Dib shook his head before he held out his hand to shake Zim's.

"Just give it a try. Give me one week. If you don't want to be friends after that, I'll go away and never bother you again." he promised, although obviously he would be lying. He would simply have to try a new, more devious and probably more forceful tactic at that point.

"Zim will give nothing a try!" he swatted Dib's hand away but he stubbornly brought it back up.

"One week."

"No."

"One week, Zim."

"No!"

"Just one week."

"Never!"

"If you're scared-"

"Zim fears nothing!"

"I won't hold it against you-"

"-Fine! One week, and only one week, you annoying little worm!" Zim seethed and he angrily grasped a claw around Dib's hand and gave it an over-zealous shake.

Dib grinned as he grasped Zim's hand back. He tried not to laugh at the sight of the grumpy alien who gasped dramatically and almost comically snatched the umbrella back up with a glare towards the sky, as if it might rain right then just to spite him.

Zim gripped the umbrella as his currently blue-eyes met Dib's. "If you do anything to betray our 'friendship'...you will rue the very day you ever heard of the almighty Invader Zim. And I still despise you. And your head is gargantuan." he added for good measure.

Dib ignored the head comment [no small feat] as he patted Zim's shoulder and Zim recoiled with a scowl. "Hey, a week is a long time. Maybe you'll change your mind about that."

"I doubt that highly, Dib-worm."

Dib shrugged as he glanced towards the rainbow, and Zim followed his gaze with a frown.

_We'll see about that, Zim!_

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**I almost stopped after Zim agreed to leave the house, but I wanted to finish up the rainbow scene. In the end, Zim was rather unimpressed but sort of intrigued despise himself. XD I feel that this is not the last we shall see of rainbows being important in this story, if only because Zim blows little things out of proportion, but anyway! No spoilers! XD I think this was my longest chapter yet, we'll see. It's also my last day on my shorter job so I make no promises as to any more nightly posts for a bit. I have a short attention span. XD Also, apparently The Tallest being brothers isn't canon. I was shocked. Not as much as when I found out that Blues Clues was a girl, but anyway, I digress. And there was something else important about the Zim-verse but I can't recall it now...well, leave me written hugs and such! ZIM DEMANDS IT! Or my soul. They're about the same at this point. XD~Witchy~ P.S. To ye who thought they guessed what was going to happen...were you right? o-O~**


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